Dispatches from the Bootyverse: What Random Dudes have to Say About Women they Don’t Know

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This is a picture of a real woman who lives out there, somewhere.

It may have been years ago. It may have been taken last week. Maybe it was photoshopped. Maybe not. But she’s somewhere out there, looking more or less like she does in the photo, though perhaps with looser clothing.

She’s a court stenographer in Phoenix Arizona, a school teacher in Alabama or a junior vice president with a corner office overlooking a neat man-made lake in Exton, Pennsylvania. But for a few moments of her life she was this woman, standing in front of a camera in this generic kitchen.

I took this photo from a Facebook page devoted to booties. A friend liked the page and then some computer somewhere crunched some numbers and said, “Maybe he’ll like it too.” And up it popped on my newsfeed; a whole page devoted to women in tights bending over. There are a lot of sites just like it.

Faces? Not so much. They usually end up out of frame or turned in another direction. The site is called, “Booties…” not “Faces…” Sometimes noses and mouths and stuff like that sneak in, but it’s mostly just pictures of women and their asses. Asses draped in lycra or spandex so tight that it doesn’t matter if she is wearing a dress, yoga pants or panties.

The photos are all pretty much the same. After all, there are a finite ways one can take a picture of a booty.

There’s the, “I’m going out!” selfie, which suggests that this is the woman that you will almost certainly hook up with the next time you hit the club. Sometimes these pictures are three in one, showing the model from every angle.

There’s the, “I’m cooking something,” picture (above). Which means that she would be an ideal wife, and you should marry her immediately.

There are the bedroom shots. Because after all of that cooking and going out, a big bootied woman has to get some rest. This one indicates that she probably likes sex. After all, when women take pictures in bed, they either just had sex, or are just about to have sex. Always.

And there are the photos that feature strip clubs, or twerkers, or twerking strippers, or, in one case, air twerking. This gets special mention. A faceless woman (her back was to the camera) plants her feet on either side of a narrow hallway, so that she is doing a split about five feet from the floor. And then she twerks. If there are more extreme examples of twerking, I haven’t seen them. I’m not exactly a twerking connoisseur. But she makes the woman who was twerking in the freezer section of Walmart look like a lazy bum.

These pages pop up regularly. For a number of reasons, I ignore them. The other day, however, I checked one out. You should do the same. Then go to a random woman, and look at the comments. I’ve included some below.

For the women, these were just some pictures. Maybe they wanted their fifteen minutes of internet fame but the pictures could have just been play between two partners. Some of them may not even know these photos exist. I don’t think any of them were looking for poorly written marriage proposals from guys in lockdown. They might not even know that the picture is out there in the Booty-verse.

Just like the photos, the comments fall into certain genres.

The first guys psychics. They can tell what a woman is like, just by how she stands in a picture. They are the kinds of guys that believe that professional wrestling is real.

A gorgeous charm seductive dominate one

outstanding figure. Wonder what the heart is like?

Stuck up

Nice strong black woman

Queen

Rest assured, this wasn’t a magic picture. It did not convey any emotional sentiment greater than, “Look at my butt…” if that. Was she strong? Perhaps. Or, maybe she was a basket case. It’s hard to tell from a photo. Same with her being dominant, or for that matter stuck up. Is she a queen? I guess, in that hotep metaphysical sense. But that dude didn’t remark that every woman on the page was a queen. Just this one. Hmmm.

Then there are the guys who mistake the booty site for an auction. Nice or mean, they are doing the Facebook equivalent of checking their teeth and making sure they have thick, strong ankles and child bearing hips.

 Perfect…No Tattoos…Yes, yes yes..

Lame!…….empress me u bovine do something different (Empress? Is this one of those compliminsults?)

If it wasn’t for the ink, I’d give you a call. (Somewhere, a young woman in yoga pants sighs in disappointment)

She kan cook 4 me ANYTYME (How do you misspell can?)

She still need to lose a lil more weight she has cantankles instead of ankles other than tht she’s cool.

Then there’s this guy. He’s frugal and honest. This dude looked past the woman’s behind and got at a truth that most of the other guys either didn’t notice or simply overlooked. She was putting too much salt into the pot. And behind her, the water was running for no good reason.

This is the girl (not the one pictured above. She probably uses salt sparingly) that most of the commenters wanted to run away with. They wanted to jump the broom and make babies with her, which they would take care of and raise in a responsible manner. But only one guy was smart enough to see that she is careless with both salt and water, and would therefore make a poor choice for a wife.

Dam! This bitch is throwing too much salt in that pot.

And she’s letting the water run. That’s a high water bill.

All of the punctuation and spelling was left as-is.

I will not comment on the dehumanizing use of the word bitch, or the inherent sexism of the booty industry. Maybe some other time. Not now. Because the idea of these dudes getting arthritis in their thumbs commenting on these pictures… pictures of women that they don’t know and will probably never meet, was so powerful that I had to comment on them. I carefully copied their words and pasted them to a document, which stayed open on my computer for almost a week.

The comments are the realest things on those pages. The women took the photos and then they were finished. Their lives moved on. The men, however, obsessed over their reflections like moths colliding with a windowsill. Their comments were stupid. That they some of them felt the need to pour out their hearts in a 1/2 inch by two inch comment bar is even dumber.

But life isn’t easy for men. Sometimes you just have to find your comfort wherever it comes up, even if it is as a facebook Like recommendation. But this dude from Arkansas said it best, I think. His humble, totally unedited words speak to the loneliness that a lot of men face before they find that perfect woman’s ass to settle down and raise body parts with. Enjoy…

im searching for a women like this an always have been just sumone whos true to heart not into drinking or drugs sumone that will support her man as her man does her just hoping to find my true love dont think ill ever find it on here (Insert sad faced emoticon here)