I don’t run. I kettlebell.

Jogging seems to be the go-to fitness solution. It is that thing that ties us most intimately to our ancestors. They chased down gazelles, sometimes for days on end, until their hearts exploded. (Note: I do not have any scientific evidence that neither my own or anyone else’s ancestors chased gazelles until their hearts exploded.)

More recently, it ties us to the 70’s and 80’s, when it was considered to be the height of fitness. A long, thin frame cloaked in artificial pastel fabrics was the mark of physical perfection. Put on your Saucony’s, slip The Eurythmics into your Walkman and all was right with the world.

Not me. I tried it. Briefly. It gave me shin splints and made me feel foolish. The thing about running is, it works much better if you are already kind of skinny. Chubbiness = friction. Friction = chafing. No more details are necessary. Besides, if you have ever seen me walk- cool and slow, then you need only use your imagination to picture me running. Still slow, just not at all cool.

I don’t run. Maybe one day I will, but not today.

Today I throw the Kettlebell. Kettlebells are those things that look like cannon balls with handles attached to them. They typically weigh 35, 44, 53, 62 and 70 pounds, respectively, and they provide a different approach to resistance training. One which includes cardio in a blend of relaxed ballistics that makes people wax poetic in ways which resemble preachers at snake tent revivals. Did I mention that kettlebells are Russian?

If you look at the web, you might surmise that only women and CrossFit guys use kettlebells. It is a fair assumption. They come in frilly colors now; pinks and baby blues – and little tiny weights. Look closer and you’ll find that, unless you are an elite athlete, some of those women can stomp you.

Photo from HaydenSpark.com

And as for the CrossFit guys, there is a lot of trash talking about them; some of it hilarious! But, if you are willing to push yourself, it works. That much is obvious. And it seems like there are “Boxes” every twenty feet down here; Kirkwood, Decatur, Midtown, no matter where I go, or what time I get there, I pass a column of men and women sweating and running as if they are chasing down live dinner.

I practice a type of kettlebell that goes back a bit further than the recent craze. Ten years ago I took lessons with Steve Maxwell at Maxercise. His lessons were simple. Later I went back to Maxercise again, this time receiving lessons that were even more simple. And now I use Enter the Kettlebell as my primary KB bible. It was written by a Russian named Pavel. It is alphabet simple, if the alphabet stopped at D and then repeated a few times.

Did I mention that Kettlebells are Russian? Every bad ass in the Country has a set rusting in their living rooms. Spetsnaz use them, but so do the maximum security prison guards as well as the prisoners that they are guarding. They rust because their bad-ass sweat is acidic.

So, why aren’t I fit? Because, like a lot of people out there, my enthusiasm has tended to be short lived. But now I’m on my 6th week with the program, and I dig it. Pavel likened it to a Martial Art. I like that. I like the idea of fitness as a practice, rather than a mad dash to figure out how quickly you can make yourself vomit into a bucket. Yes, there is the threat of vomit, but not all of the time.

Like many people, I’ve forced myself to sweat in a lot of different ways. I’ve lifted weights, jogged, walked, climbed rocks (really). Now, I’m content to engage in a challenge that I enjoy.

Anyway, “Kettlebell high rep ballistics are the closest you can get to fighting without throwing a punch.” Those words were said by a federal counterterrorist operator in Pavel’s Enter the Kettlebell. Right after that, said operator went and drop-kicked a 78 Caprice Classic through an intersection because he didn’t like the sound of it’s broken muffler. So, if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.

RKC Trainer and firefighter Anthony Grokaitis.

Note: AK47. I say that because the firearm gets mentioned a lot in Kettlebell circles… Because vodka.