Baby Wearing in the Zombie Apocalypse: Essential Skills you didn’t know you needed.

 

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Last night on The Walking Dead…

Daryl gruffly rescued young blonde, Beth Greene, over and over again.

Maggie showed the depths of her love for Glenn by endangering Sasha and Bob in a love fueled assault on a bus full of zombies. For love. Meanwhile, Glenn freed Sasha, formerly of Team Governor, of her self imposed chain link solitude within the prison, and then set out to find his wife. You know, for love.

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And Tyrese tramped through the woods with a crying baby and two horrible, horrible children.

What did his character do in his former life to have been saddled with such a fate? More importantly, what did the writers hope to accomplish? What were they trying to show us, by turning Tyrese into a nursmaid for Little Lizzie Borden and her runaway sister? Any guesses?

I’ll let you ponder that. In the meantime, I’ve finally found my calling in the zombie apacolpyse. I can’t do a whole lot of things better than those guys. As much as I grouse about Tyrese, at least he can swing a mean hammer. Meanwhile, I’m looking around my office trying to find a weapon that would get my family and I out of Atlanta. I found a knife with a six inch blade, and a little hatchet that we bought from Lowes last year. I think I have a stockpile of about seven bullets, somewhere in the moving boxes. I don’t like our odds.

But there is one thing that I know I could do better than Tyrese. Baby wearing. I mean, I know he’s strong, but carrying around a crying, 20 pound baby will wear you out pretty quickly.
Take it from me. When she was young, I carried my little girl all over University City. At first she seemed almost weightless. Then, about three quarters of a mile in, you begin to feel it. A lot. Even without the constant threat of zombies and hunger, carrying a baby is always a losing proposition. Even if you are Tyrese the Gentle Bull.

And the solution is so simple. Baby wearing. Put Lil Ass Kicker in a sling. Tie her to your back. Start hammering dead things in the face. Easy.
What? You don’t have the fabric? Then get some! I can’t do everything for you. Might I suggest repurposing a couple of disgusting zombie shirts?
Meanwhile, there are things that you need to know about other people’s kids. Stay away from them. Not Lil Ass Kicker, of course. What kind of monster leaves a baby behind? Pre-teens, on the other hand, are another thing all together.
There is a lot of talk about crazy little Lizzie, what with her killing the bunny rabbits and nearly asphyxiating Lil Ass Kicker, but let’s be real. She’s at a sociopathic age. One out of 10 kids her age might kill your baby if you leave them alone. That’s just how they roll.
Might I suggest, unless you are contractually obligated to do otherwise, stay away from other people’s kids. Otherwise, don’t make eye contact, and speak calmly, while revealing nothing about yourself or your habits. They sense weakness. And never, ever assume that they aren’t sociopaths… Because they probably are.

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She’s not crazy. She’s just pre-teen