That’s My little girl. She looks happy doesn’t she?
In front of her, casting her in a ghostly pallor, is my computer. The black wall behind her is my office chair.
It’s 11am. I should be working. Instead in doing this post on my gigantic Samsung Mega while she plays My Little Pony Equestria Girls Dress Up.
If you look closely you’ll see a whole lot of injustice. Here are the smiling happy faces of corporate greed. Monsanto is bad. Hasbro is insidious.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen the My Little Pony cartoon. I’ve visited Equestria so frequently that I should be allowed to vote. (I can’t. It’s a dictatorship ruled by a God, hiding behind a veil of feel good endorphins. Someone actually wrote about it!) I’ve watched drifting off to sleep. I watched it as I woke up again.
Then they made the Equestria girls. That’s when the purple, winged, horned, pony stepped through a mirror, became human and launched a targeted war of hearts and minds to seize control of student government at a local High school from another Equestria expat. There was bullying, romance, metaphysics, and the front half of the school was torn off. I think there was some devil worship. And it was a musical. At one point the students adorned themselves in horse tails and ears and danced in the cafeteria.
I wasn’t high. I should have been.
The worst part is, there is only one episode. So far Twilight Sparkle ventured through the mirror once. So instead of watching dozens of super cutesy schmooochy woooophsie plot lines that I don’t care about, I get to watch the same one over and over and over. On an average day I’ll see it about seven times. My most favorite movie of all time is Dune (don’t judge). I’ve only seem it about six times.
And now it’s in my computer. I can’t even escape to my office to do work. Sooner or later I’ll hear her soft footsteps behind me. Then she’ll emerge through the doorway, and tell me that she’s taking over. Or else. The fact that she does this with her 1,000 watt smile and a voice as soft as baby duck feathers doesn’t this any less menacing. There is an implied bargain. I can let her get on the computer, or I can listen to her as she melts down. We call her the baby hulk. That’s how mad she gets. And to all of you tough guys, who say, “Let her cry…” all I can say is, when do you want to come pick her up?
At least when she’s in Equestria I can write, even if it is only on my gigantic phone. But when she’s going all Fukashima on me, all I can do is breath deeply and wish there was some alcohol handy. I’ll tackle her tantrums later. Like when she’s four.
This is how it went down this morning. My daughter greeted me at the door, all smiley and huggy. She screamed “Daddy! “And I held her, basking in the innocent glory of fatherhood. Then she said, “Can I play Mah-lo-pony”.
Silly Daddy! Your daughter doesn’t adore you! Your just there to turn stuff on and open up her bags of chips for her. A step stool with a drivers license!
She’s still down there right now, putting skirts on a smiley lanky pony person. Her face still cast in the pale blue glow of Equestria.
You guys are jerks, Hasbro and Hubworld. You got my baby strung out on a cartoon. You did it on purpose. Good job. I hope you high five yourselves right into the Middle of speeding traffic.
Update: My daughter has insisted that I install a My Little Pony app on my massive Samsung Mega. The game features tiny characters walking around a two dimensional landscape. Sometimes they build houses. Sometimes they catch apples.
I don’t know what the object of the game is, and neither does my daughter. I do know that it took a very long time to download, and it takes minutes to open. So, it probably takes up about 75 percent of my memory. Well played, Hasbro execs. Well played.